How To Say No Mindfully

Saying no is hard. Especially to friends and family and especially at certain times of the year or special occasions. But sometimes we need to set an emotional boundary and say no to someone. For the sake of our own sanity and feelings. Read on for some tips on how to say no mindfully.

Most of us believe that we have to be nice, pleasing and helpful to gain the respect of our friends, family and work colleagues. However, when we say yes to please, this it is often at the exclusion of our own feelings.

If we feel afraid to say no and don’t communicate our own point of view. We succumb to bending to the will of others. This can lead to a lot of resentment and leave us feeling like a victim. This in turn will lead to a great deal of emotional stress.

Say it with Compassion

However when we do say no we need to do it with compassion.

To be fully compassionate we need to be compassionate towards others and compassionate towards ourselves.

Compassion towards others: To practise compassion is to be present in the moment, actively listening and letting our judgemental thoughts go.

Compassion towards ourselves: To be present in the moment bringing awareness to our thought processes and letting negative and judgemental thoughts go.

As well as showing compassion by listening mindfully we can bring the attention to speaking mindfully. Just as the words and actions of others can hurt our feelings our own words and actions can hurt others too.

If we bring in the attention to speak mindfully, we will notice subtle changes in how others react to us. To speak mindfully is to speak with the awareness of others. We need to give them space to speak too.

If we add this awareness to our words and try to keep them as kind as possible this will enhance mindfulness practice.

 

What to Say

Try to avoid making up week excuses that could enable the person you are saying no to try and pursued you.

For example, “I can’t make that party because I don’t have a babysitter”. They could offer to let you bring the children.

When you say no have a firm reason.

If you are put on the spot and can’t think how to say no mindfully right in that moment; say

“I need to check my calendar or diary and I’ll let you know tomorrow or as soon as possible”.

How to say no mindfully.

If someone asks you to attend an event or occasion that you do not want to attend; take a deep breath and simply say;

“I am not able to make that event on because I have other things to do that need my attention”.

Or;

“I need to say no to that because I have other things I have already committed to”.

Or;

“That doesn’t work for me because I need some time at home.”

It may make things easier if you could propose an alternative. This needs to be something you are happy and willing to do instead.

Such as “We can get together next week or another time that suits”.

If you are not happy and willing to do an alternative, then don’t suggest it because this will lead to more stress and possible excuses.

If the exchange becomes uncomfortable or confrontational use your mindfulness awareness to notice the discomfort arising.

Let go of the need for you to be right. And say something kind or soothing such as;

“I am sorry to hear that” or “that’s unfortunate but” …; and repeat the reason you gave in the first place.

What to do Next

If you have set a boundary and said no to something. It is up to the other person whether they take it on board. If you do not get the response you wanted, or things become very negative. Excuse yourself and leave the conversation. Mindfully let go of your need to be right and let it go knowing you have done all that you can.

A note to finish

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